Lovers

*Contains graphic descriptions. Please read at your own discretion. The story is entirely ficitonal and is not meant to offend any person.

Her lips burned on mine. I could feel her body heat through the flimsy garments that separated our skins. I could smell the faint perfume of her hair. And I could feel her hand behind me, holding me, supporting me, bending me backwards, as always.

When naina first caught hold of me today and kissed me, I have to say that although I was taken aback, it wasn’t entirely unexpected. For a long time now she had been making it amply clear that there was more to us than just good friends and in the last few days the hints had hardly been veiled. I mean, I could never be sure. But I thought I felt her lips on the top of my head when fell asleep on her shoulders in that boring founder's day speech. Or I felt her hand brushing past mine too many times as we walked yesterday. Or the hand was more on my back than the back of the seat as we watched the Speed Racer in INOX. Maybe it was my imagination but she did touch my knees too often while talking and her hands had definitely brushed past some sensitive areas while walking past me. But somehow I always allayed my fears at the conscious level by calling it a coincidence or general figments of my imagination. So when she finally did touch me, I was very taken aback. When she suddenly wheeled me around, held me with her strong arms and kissed me, I was surprised, but somewhere all the pieces of the puzzle fell into place.

Naina. Girl extraordinaire. Tall, pretty, intelligent- she always topped class and was basket ball captain of college team too. She was universally regarded to be an all rounder and was a teacher’s favourite. She was also a great leader, they said. She could encourage and inspire the most timid of beings and could lead any number of people to any task. In short she was brilliant. But to me she was a lot different. She was my hero alright, but she was also my best friend. Like the rest of the college, teachers included, I was in awe of her personality. But where she helped others because she liked to be looked up to, her helping me was entirely because she genuinely cared.

Yes Naina genuinely cared for small insignificant me. It probably stemmed from her need to be looked up to and respected. But when she met me there woke in her a maternal spirit seen in all women, specially the domineering kind. She probably just wanted to protect me. And she did a good job. The marks I got were all fruits of her efforts. She taught me before every test, be it class test or the more important semesters. And sitting together for long hours in the library and corridors gave rise to a relationship much deeper than probably expected by people of us.

Looking back, what drew us together was our loneliness. For me that was understandable. Having come from a closely knit family, adjusting into a hostel life was never going to be easy. I moped in my solitude and did not open up. The result was as expected; no one took an interest in me. Some of the people tried being kind but it made me retreat into my shell even more. As a result I became what is defined as a loner.

But her story was difference. She had everything, she was outgoing. She was always surrounded by people. But all these people revered her and were in awe of her. But they were also secretly jealous. So she never found that camaraderie that she looked for.

And then we met. Well it was not that big an incident. It was quite harmless. We met in the café when we both wanted the same drink but there was only one bottle left. Overawed I let her have it. But she gave it back to me, took something else and went and sat between her gang. I don’t know what came over me but I carefully divided the drink in half and handed it to her plumb in the centre of her friends. She looked up, startled.

That is how it started. Then she returned the kindness a number of times in class and lab. But even then the interactions remained the same as her interactions with the other quiet people in class. What changed it a little once was when I did very badly in an exam and I was publicly hauled for it. The teacher did not stop till she had her fill of publicly humiliating me. I must have looked very forlorn that day. She took a liking to me and took me under her wings. Probably the maternal feelings were born then.

But what sealed the bond was when one day I saw her cry quietly in the bench by the basket ball court. It was a Sunday evening and the play fields were deserted. I couldn’t see what she was doing. All I could make out was the tall, splendid figure slouched over the bench. Instinctively, I moved towards her. She probably heard my footsteps because she looked up. I took in her tear stained face and probably for the first time in my 18 years acted strong. I held her while she poured out her heart and cried. That day we became friends.

That was 2 years back. In the last two years we’ve seen a lot of successes and failures but we’ve always stood by each other. To the whole world, this pairing seemed strange. But for us it was just right. We acted as perfect counterfoils of each other. And so the friendship grew.

During these two years the friendship blossomed. We came really close. But it was only lately that I felt her behaviour towards me changing. Not that she distanced herself. But she became more possessive, aggressive if I was to have other friends. And then there were the subtle and sometimes not so subtle hints. And then today happened.

She caught hold of me in this wonderfully experienced manner. From the first moment itself she took control, the way she always has in this friendship. She put her hands around my waist to support me like she always has through life’s turbulences. In her eagerness she forced herself on top of me till I bent back, like always when faced with her whims. As her kiss got more urgent, the thoughts became more frantic. I did not know if I was ready for this, if this was right. But as usual she took control and took the decisions for me. I knew I had nothing to worry about. The thoughts were slowly displaced by her fragrance and her urgency. I thought nothing when her hand finally moved up to my breasts.

They were right, the cloud did have a silver lining... (Part 1)

Its no secret that this place depresses me horribly. Its no secret that I wish I was anywhere but here. But then sometimes things happen that brings a smile to my lips and warms my heart and then I get the rare feeling of being wanted again. Here are a few examples of few recent things I can remember.

1. One random day I was as usual wasting my afternoon on facebook when Jyothsni pinged me to tell me there was food in her room, I could come if I wanted to. I had already had lunched. but the simple gesture of asking me touched me so much that I went immediately. The food was extremely yummy. Prawns and mutton and biriyani and sweets and cake. But more than the flavour of the food, it was the invitation that left a great aftertaste..

2. It was placement week. Day zero morning. I was scared stiff. Very very nervous. The nervousness kept increasing exponentially as I kept getting rejected by company after company. I was waiting for my 4th company of the morning and my 6th interview overall when I saw Chandan standing under the balcony. He asked how it had gone. I told him rejected. He just smiled and mouthed keep faith, things will work out. 3 interviews later I was selected by that same company.

3. I was feeling really low and suffocated in college. I wanted a break, wanted to leave. That's when Gaju called. He wanted to know if I wanted to meet him for a drink and dinner. I couldn't have said no. I didn't want to. Time flew. I was with him for 4 hours. Nothing like good food, good drinks and good company to improve my mood.

4. I was again, as usual, playing through Farmville. Total time waste, I agree. But at least gives me something to do. This is when Anuj's chat message popped up. He was alone in his flat in Gurgaon, on a Friday evening, drinking. It somehow felt great talking to him. I could sense that once in a while he does miss me. Made me feel wanted.

5. I had called Arinnjay to wish him happy birthday. In the conversation it came up that he'll be in Kolkata from the 10th of December where as I am landing on the 13th. The happiness in his voice to hear he'll be meeting me again was a serious ego boost.

6. Every time a case competition comes up, Kari, Birla and I just know that we're participating, time and resources permitting. This comfort level, trust and compatibility is a great take away for me from this place.

7. Purna mailed me to tell me about this sudden urge to meet me after college one day, although she is hundreds of miles away from me. Things like this make you go mushy.

8. It was a presentation and I had worked hard for it. It was different from the usual presentations and I was worried about pulling it off. Just before going up to the front of the class I received a message. It simply said, "Best of luck eye!!!". It was BP.

9. Very often I have felt out of place and on the fringes of a group. Very often I've had the feeling of being there but not belonging. One person who really tries to change that for me is Karan. There is no particular moment to recollect, but he gives me this nice and happy feeling.

10. I was mad at the world and screaming bloody murder. Ronald happened to call me at the exact same moment. I was screaming the roof down into the phone and he tried to reason with me. I ended up abusing him pretty bad. Although he hung up on me then, he realised I was upset and called me back not only to make amends but also cheer me up.

A lot of other things happen daily, a lot of people play their part. Writing about them all would have taken me days. This is just a snapshot of ten things in the recent past of about one month that have made me smile when I was very upset.

The recall factor of colours

""Whenever you see colours, think of us"

This is the tag line of a very famous paint company. This paint company, or its branding agency, gt its game right when they came up with this tag line. The reason I say so is because there is a very high recall factor with colour. I mean, we very often associate different colours with different things- people, moods, places, objects, etc etc etc... And this works both ways. For example, when I say blue I can only think of Mercure. This night club in Bangalore is bathed blue lights and some videos we took there when we went there recently are blue films in the literal sense (of course the subject matter of these videos were questionable too). Ofcourse, there are times when blue remind me of Lara Dutta in a bikini, diving deep below the sea, but that's more phonetically blue than visually blue.
In the same way, when I think of Monsoon in West Bengal, I can only think of green. The dust washed away by the rain brings forth the green-ness of the trees. The earth seems refreshed, it seems rejuvenated, alive.
And then there is this dirty, bottle green which will always remind me of Purna's kurta. It somehow defined her for me.
Another very strong recall factor for me is the colour pink. It gives me comfort. I've always known that pink is a very comfortable colour. I just didn't know why. Now I think I do. Pink was the colour of the walls of my bedroom as I grew up. Infact not just the walls, the book case, the curtains, some of the bed sheets, my pillow covers, the mosquito net, even the all-out that was plugged in my room was pink. And I never even liked the colour that much!!! But pink will remain the colour of relaxation.
Similarly, brown is the colour of the soil in shantiniketan. Considering the fact I've been there only twice, and once when I was very small, I didn't think it would have that profound an effect. But somehow it does. I believe it is because of the excessive use of "laal maati" in bengali prose and poetry and my mother's incessant chanting of the above mentioned literary works. So when you actually go there and see everything (and I mean everything, from trees to cars and houses, even roadside animals) covered with the fine red dust, you immediately recollect those words written and there is an instant recall.
For me black is the colour of the darkness. Black is the colour I remember from my early days in Chandipur where there was no electricity and the evenings were spent by candle light. When we sat out in the veranda and looked beyond the boundaries, all I could see was black, interspersed with the intermittently glowing dots of the firefly.
There are three other colours that I remember from Chandipur. The first is the orange of the "kumro phool" or pumpkin flower that I got everyday from my neighbours house, which my mother then fried in batter and I relished. The second was the green of my mother's sari this one night she locked me in the room and left on an urgent night call. That time we stayed alone, just the two of us. That green pattern of the sari that reminded me of chillies, when she finally came back after me having shouted myself hoarse and cried myself dry will always stand for anger and fear and finally relief. And thirdly, I remember vividly the red of the knicker I wore as I ran around playing on the fields as a care free two year old
Red also reminds me of the blood on a mother and daughter that my mother accidentally hit while driving, as they were taken into the car and driven to the nearest hospital. That red I saw as a 2-3 year old is a terrifying memory very difficult to put past.
And finally, a navy blue reminds me of this beautiful full moon night where our car went driving through the deserted roads of the countryside. Noone spoke a word and the silence was comforting. Outside there was hardly any trees. There was one gnarled tree looking silver against the shadowy landscape. That night somehow sums up all things nice for me- be it due to the comfort of the company or the sheer beauty of the sight. That dark blue and silver always puts in perspective by reminding me of something that is timeless.

*I acknowledge Purna Banerjee as an inspiration for this prose. This idea is adapted from a beautiful piece of writing she had produced many winters back, thus impressing me thoroughly.