The Nouveau Blog

Woke up third day in a row with a scratchy throat. The viral was still showing resistance. I realised it would be another "quiet" day for me. Now, for a talkative me, not being able to speak is like the worst punishment I can give myself. Soon, started getting bored. Couldn't go to a friend or call anyone since my voice has left my side for now. Couldn't walk since the anti-biotic induced bitter taste in my mouth has prevented me from eating anything substantial in the last three days and has rendered me weak. On top of that, a very good friend of mine had managed to offend me immensely last night. So, when I finally woke up, hungover with medicine, alcohol (in cough syrup) and sadness, I decided it was time to change.

Now, I know change is the essence of life. Nothing is ever constant. Blah blah blah. I looked around me in eager anticipation; wanting to change the first thing I could. Within 70 seconds I was disappointed. Making physical changes to either the room or to me would be too much of a stress. So I had to resort more "virtual" changes. Hence, the nouveau look. Comments on the visual look and feel are welcome.

Another Fictional Story

The following story is written in a non-linear narrative style. It was just an attempt at experimentation. If it's difficult to follow I shall put up a simplified, linear version.

She tried hard to control those tears in public. She succeeded. Those large black eyes brimmed with tears. But she didn't let the world see it.

She was an only child. She was not just an only child of her parents but she was the only child in the entire extended family. And like most such single kids, she had her share of pampering. But she was a strange child. It was impossible to know what she thought. She lived in her own imaginary world.

She could hardly wait to be alone. Even as she stood with her back to the door of the restroom, she dissolved into tears. It came as a flood.

Even while she grew up, she never threw tantrums. When something hurt her she just drew into her shell. She found it difficult to make friends. Instead, she spent hours reading.

She met him purely professionally. She'd met hundreds of people that way. She didn't know it'd be different this time. As in-charge of recruitment, it was her duty to chose people she thought was competent. And she found him competent.

Through primary and secondary school she was revered. Never loved, just revered. She was the one who had answers to everyone's problem. She could make teachers postpone or even cancel tests. She could solve petty fights between friends. She could sort out issues of jealousy. She could be the best shoulder to cry on. She could advice a broken heart. And through it all, she would remain above it. No one ever saw her show extreme emotions of any kind- she never showed anger, was never overjoyed and never cried. She was known and admired by everyone around her. Yet, she never had any friends.

It all started the way it always does; the break at the coffee shop, the innocuous after office drinks, the occasional party at a colleagues, the gossip near the cooler. And somewhere in between the harmless banter and shared frustrations, they became friends.

She'd been dating Shekhar since her Post Graduation days. He was her senior and though she never felt any particular love towards him, she had realised by then that she'd be disappointed in any relationship she undertook. Her problem was that she'd been alone too much. Her problem also was she expected too much out of any relationship. Having failed before, she decided the best thing for her was this compromise.

High school changed her life forever. There she met Purab. Purab touched a chord somewhere within her. He, for the first time, seemed interested in what she wanted. He, for the first time, seemed interested in her, the person. He taught her it was ok to be happy when chosen as the class captain and it was ok to be sad when she received her first fail grades. He taught her it was ok to smile and laugh and even cry. He brought her alive.

Shekhar was an Investment banker. He hadn't asked her to marry him yet. But they both knew it would happen soon. It wouldn't be a romantic, candle-lit affair. It would be a practical decision taken with cold precision.

People around them were confused as to what they thought of each other. Some thought they were romantically involved. Others thought they were just overtly sociable. Most thought they were great friends. She thought so too. From meeting up as part of the entire team to the more intimate friends group and finally to meeting one-on-one for coffee and conversation, they grew close. They could share the small joys and pains of life with each other. They could discuss work. They could discuss films. They could even spend hours discussing things they wouldn't even remember later.

High school was a bed of roses for her with Purab. They were never a couple. They were just best friends till they reached a point where people just assumed that they were a single entity. And with the rest of the world, she started believing the same. She assumed that they'd just be together through life. And then high school ended. She joined college nearby whereas he flew out of the country on a full scholarship. He promised her they'd keep in touch. They did. But the frequency kept dwindling. And then they didn't anymore.

Fate had its own games to play. A new project came up and they were staffed together. This just meant more time together. They spent longer hours in office. Sometimes weekend too. At other times, there'd be chatting on the phone. It would always start as work. But they never noticed when the transition was made and the conversation shifted beyond work and reach life itself.

After her fiasco with Purab, she became weary. But unfortunately her heart had learned to open. So when earlier she was content, now she felt something missing. She slowly drew into her shell again. That was before she met Aryan.

Shekhar finally brought up the topic of marriage. She knew it was inevitable and never particularly felt anything about it. She was just waiting to get it done and over with. Like another of those things on her to-do list. But when he did bring it up, she wasn't so sure any more. For a fleeting instance, his face crossed her mind. She felt a longing she hadn't felt since her college days.

Aryan was in every way an opposite of Purab. He was caustic and sarcastic. He was cynical, narcissistic and rude. But when he though the world wasn't looking, he could be quite caring. And towards this broken girl, he felt a special connection.

The both of them were working late in office that day. They had a deadline that week. After finally deciding to call it a day, they ducked into the all-night coffee shop to grab the missed dinner. Sitting there, maybe through the tiredness of the day or maybe the pensive mood he was in or maybe just because it was that solemn time of the day, he told her he liked this girl. Her name was Chandra and she was a new joinee. She had noticed how Chandra had become popular with the guys around. But this she hadn't expected.

When Shekhar asked her, it was more by way of formality. In fact, they were driving to see a film when he asked her if December would be the right time for the wedding or would she rather have it some other time. As she looked out of the car window at the rain swept roads of the city, she realised what she was doing was wrong. She didn't love him. Thats when she turned around on her seat and told him she doesn't think she wants this and calmly asked him to stop the car. Then she proceeded to alight and take a passing auto home.

Aryan would do small things for her that helped heal her wounds faster than diamonds or love songs could have. When she missed class, he was there to give her notes. When she was bored, he would walk to the tea-stall across the gate from college. When she would fall asleep in the library, he would wake her up before the librarian could spot her. He made sure she remembered when she had a test and made her study for it. He improved her grades. He made her do something she was good at but had given up on, writing. He encouraged her and soon turned out to be her biggest fan. Without realising it, she was soon dependent on Aryan.

She knew she was wrong to expect him to say anything to her since he thought she was engaged to Shekhar. That evening she intended to tell him that she'd left Shekhar. And just then he told her about Chandra. He went on to ask her for help. She couldn't refuse. He was too good a friend.

Shekhar kept calling her. She refused to take the calls. Relentless, he came to visit her but she refused to see him; or to reply to his many messages and mails. She knew Shekhar deserved some answers but she didn't know if she could provide them just yet.

Even as his attraction towards Chandra increased, it was clear to everyone who knew them that Chandra just wasn't interested. Additionally, knowing him so well, it was clear to her that Chandra wasn't even right for him. But when she tried to tell him, he brushed her off. Blinded by love, he was sure of winning Chandra over. She felt helpless. She decided to let fate take its own way.

With increased confidence, she started doing better in her exams. She even started topping the class. That's when Aryan became aloof. She sensed a growing distance and begged him to tell her what was wrong. But Aryan steadfastly refused. At last when she realised, she purposely messed up her exam for Aryan. He topped. But he looked at her answer sheets and found out the truth. And now with his ego more bruised than ever before, he just refused to talk to her again.

They were at an office party that night. He kept making a fool of himself over Chandra. People egged him on but laughed behind his back. It hurt her to see him that way. She went to where he was standing with Chandra and her group of friends and tried to pull him away. He just brushed her away. Insulted, she turned around to walk away. But swallowing her pride she went back to try again. This time he just turned around and asked her to leave him alone. Then he nonchalantly went back to his flirting. Quietly, she turned away.

After Aryan and Purab she had decided that she will never again take a chance. She would not risk her heart but play it safe. That's why she decided on Shekhar. Shekhar was dependable and stable. And he would never want her to love him with all her heart. That is all she needed to keep herself from greater pain.

They were in the office pantry that day. Everyone was ribbing him about his great night and his flirtatious ways. Without realising the malice, he smiled in a self-satisfied way. And then he saw her. Looking at her in the eye, he blamed her for trying to take him away from his love and playing the spoil-sport, especially when he was making such giant leaps. He accused her in front of all present of sabotaging his chances with Chandra. He continued relentless even as she used all her self-control to not cry just then.

Once in the rest room stall, the flood gates opened. She cried hopelessly and uncontrollably. She cried for a long time. And then for quite some time after that, she just sat on the floor quietly. Then she quietly stood up and washed her face of all tear streaks. She patted her hair in place and applied liner to replace the layer just washed away. She smiled a bleak smile at herself in the mirror. It never reached her eyes. Then she took the phone out of her bag. Even as she left the rest room, she placed a call through to Shekhar. December was acceptable to her.